My first assignment for one of my classes in college is to write about how my transition to the UW is going. I have a LOT of things to say about how my transition is going, but the things i want to say are not the things they want to hear. they want to hear about classes and whether college is what i imagined and so on.
What i want to talk about though is how, even though i am enjoying college so far and things are feeling more comfortable and normal each day, the thing i can't get off of my mind is how much i miss andy.
It's hard to miss someone when you are the one who left. You feel guilty and responsible. you feel like you're the cause of all the pain, you don't get to blame anyone else for how you are feeling. But, for me anyway, the worst part is that i don't have anyone i can really talk to about it, no yet anyway.
It feels like every other minute my throat is swelling up and i'm fighting back tears that i just cannot let drip down my face. I can call people and maybe cry a little, but i try to disguise it in my voice so that people walking by, or the people outside my room, or my roommates, don't hear. i just need to let it all out but i don't have a place to do that.
the tears come whether i want them to or not, it's just become a matter of wiping them off before they attract the attention that they need but don't want.
the worst part is that i know he is having a hard time too. but he thinks about it differently than me. he hates being sad and missing me, and i hate it too, but i see how special it is to have someone that it hurts to be away from. it means so much more than distance or geography or anything else, it means you have someone that you care about so much that, whether you're labeled as together or not.
