no one likes halfway

halfway full

halfway done

halfway good

halfway anything

the halfway point sucks

i am halfway (i believe today is the exact day) and it is sooo hard. It's a bad torn feeling because i'm starting to really like it here and find my place and find my motivation and all of that, but at the same time, i am sooo ready to see andy again and to be home for a bit and to feel all of that familiarity. But i'm only halfway. Once i get past this week and the next, it will be so easy! I just don't know how to do that.

I miss him so much it hurts and i feel like i'm forgetting my own advice on staying happy and positive. But it's hard, really hard, sometimes to listen to your own advice.

10/10/10

My first assignment for one of my classes in college is to write about how my transition to the UW is going. I have a LOT of things to say about how my transition is going, but the things i want to say are not the things they want to hear. they want to hear about classes and whether college is what i imagined and so on.

What i want to talk about though is how, even though i am enjoying college so far and things are feeling more comfortable and normal each day, the thing i can't get off of my mind is how much i miss andy.

It's hard to miss someone when you are the one who left. You feel guilty and responsible. you feel like you're the cause of all the pain, you don't get to blame anyone else for how you are feeling. But, for me anyway, the worst part is that i don't have anyone i can really talk to about it, no yet anyway.

It feels like every other minute my throat is swelling up and i'm fighting back tears that i just cannot let drip down my face. I can call people and maybe cry a little, but i try to disguise it in my voice so that people walking by, or the people outside my room, or my roommates, don't hear. i just need to let it all out but i don't have a place to do that.

the tears come whether i want them to or not, it's just become a matter of wiping them off before they attract the attention that they need but don't want.

the worst part is that i know he is having a hard time too. but he thinks about it differently than me. he hates being sad and missing me, and i hate it too, but i see how special it is to have someone that it hurts to be away from. it means so much more than distance or geography or anything else, it means you have someone that you care about so much that, whether you're labeled as together or not.

get this shit rollin'

i hate hate hate feeling torn. It sucks so much in so many ways. how do i commit myself to something so serious if i don't even know if i care about it yet? how do i chose what matters when i don't know what will matter in the long run?

damn.

i have to keep going and give it a try because i know i will be disappointed in myself if i don't. i have to keep trying until i have a good reason not to.

so many things are new and there are so many things to try.

i wanted to pick them all but i have to pick a few.

water polo was a leap of faith and look how well it turned out! I want to be strong, i want to be motivated, i want to be proud of what i have accomplished, so why the hell am i not totally pumped about this?! i have no fucking idea. I think i just have a lot on my plate.

to everyone who is reading this who has not gone to college yet, it is different than you expect. yes, you make friends. yes, you have fun. yes, your classes are more interesting. But it's crazy how all of those things have this new kind of pressure on them. I'm sure i'm more prone to getting stressed from that pressure than other people, but still, i'm sure you'll feel it.

you know what? i'm going to do this. i'm going to put behind my freakish nerves and just do it. i really cannot think of why i shouldn't. i'm already improving! i'm already doing better at the running, the friend-making, the core stuff, the erging and the nuances of this sport (what little nuances i've had the opportunity to try so far anyway), i just need to get my head in the game.

i don't know if i can.

leaving my kitty and my boy is the scariest thing i've faced in a long time.

College: My Realizations About What Having A Roommate Really Means

1) they are not your friends who love you yet, they are strangers who may not understand your habits

2) keep your shit clean!

3) with the exception of your bed, your space is also everyone else's space

4) no wedgie picking

5) no nose picking

6) no picking and choosing, learn to settle for things

7) try not to make weird noises in your sleep

8) what if they don't love disney channel as much as i do??

9) keep yourself mostly covered when you get dressed

10) be quiet at night, no loud music to help you try to stay awake

more to come as they come to my mind!

new background!

ok, we're experimenting here. the hope is that with a new, slightly more cheerful, background my posts will become slightly more cheerful too. I won't lie, it kinda bums me out that most of what i write on here are complaints of my friends, my failures, my frustrations and other such things, especially when life seems to be going ok for the most part.

let's see then, it's summer time, i'm working as a lifeguard/swim instructor at the neighborhood pool, and i have a lovely boyfriend and lovely friends. well, mostly lovely friends...

the things is, some of my friends are DBs (my school's abbreviation for "Drunk Bitch") and some are kinda sluts. that's rude to say of my dear sweet friends, i know, but it's also an undeniable truth. but i don't want to think about it, because it makes me want to yak.

so i'll tell you about the pool! for me, a pail ginger haired young lady, working t the pool in the sun all day was probably one of the stupidest decisions i've ever made. it is a long and exhausting job to stay alert under the burning sun to watch loud obnoxious children and make sure they don't drown one another, yet i'm really enjoying it. :)

i like my coworkers, the pool itself, the responsibility, and the kids (usually). giving swim lessons is always an adventure, whether it's teaching them to kick with both legs or do alternating arm strokes, or blow bubbles under the water (yes, spit bubbles are the alternative) or to even enter the water at all, it is all pretty much enjoyable. the negatives of the job include cleaning bathrooms, scooping the leftovers of bodily functions out of the pool and of course, the hot hot hot hot HOT sun. i have been sunburned anew almost every single day that i have taught a swim lesson, and it's really starting to become a bother. why does my waterproof, sweatproof sunscreen not last me thru 2 hours of swim lessons? why does my shirt not protect my shoulders? why does my hat not keep the sun off my face? i do not understand, truly, i do not understand at all.

but there are perks. like the cute little girl in my swim lesson today (5 years old) who told me she wanted to be a paleontologist. and the little boy last week who told me that Jenny was his favorite swim instructor and that he wanted to be in her class, but who this week asked for me by name :). so, it all kinda makes up for the bad stuff

i'm trying to think of other things that i have to add to this positive post, but to be honest, i'm getting a little tired from my long day at work today and i want to go sit on the couch (and maybe even finish the not-so-positive post i started last week!) and relax. but i like this new positive approach to the blog. maybe a positive blog and positive writing will lead to a more positive outlook in general. wish me luck!

breaking things

here, take the glue. now get going.

here is everything that you'll need to fix me

there's glue and hugs and some chocolate ice cream

you gotta start now or she'll keep on falling

apart and all while the world is calling

hold her hand and make her smile

Ohhh, it's been awhile

since you've made her feel like this

ok now give her a kiss

breakin her heart oh it's not too easy

you gotta go slow or it sounds too cheesy

show her that you care but the feeling's not there

now take a big breath of air

you know you love her but you can't sort it out

all of that thinkin' makes your head spin about

give it a try and just see where it goes

don't shut her down when you don't even know

hold her hand and make her smile

Ohhh, it's been awhile

since you've made her feel like this

ok now give her a kiss

crunch.

things didn't go the way i had imagined they would. well, i guess i hadn't really imagined the part after the telling. but the telling i had totally figured out, the plan was to tell him whenever it was that it felt "right" and then just blurt it out with my eyes squeezed shut. that was all i had thought about. i hadn't considered what he might say back. i guess i had hopefully imagined that he would break into a huge smile and squeeze me tight and tell me that he wanted that too. i guess i had hoped for a "thank god" or a "oh my goodness" or something. at least a smile. what i got wasn't what i was prepared for.

i'm trying to not let myself think that it's a reflection of his feelings for me because i should know just as well as the next person that there are so many other factors that go into it, but it's hard to not feel upset by it.

when i said, "i think i want to try staying together next year," i was expecting a good feeling of relief to follow. but i got, "ok...i have to think about it."

ouch. crunch. there goes my heart.

i wish i hadn't said anything.

Update

Okee dokee, time to catch up for reals.

First off, I am officially going to the University of Washington next year. I'm excited, terrified, nervous, tired, happy, and confused every time I think about it. But, I will admit, the good feelings are tipping the scale more and more each day. I think most of my anxiety is about leaving home to go into this huge and new community. Ok, that sounds retarded cause obviously that's exactly what college is, but it's something about being in the cold and being far from home but close to Peg and my Aunt and family friends. It's all bittersweet. To me it feels bad to feel this torn feeling, but when i actually think about it, I guess I feel lucky to have two awesome things to be torn between.
well, there's plenty more to say about college and leaving, but I honestly don't feel like thinking about it right now.

what else is new..? I'm working at the pool now as a lifeguard and things have been pretty good so far, minus my total fail at filling out my schedule form. I'm working on almost every important day of spring. sweet. So, I'm trying really hard to make friends to cover my shift so that my life doesn't suck balls when I can't go to my spring choir concert, junior prom, senior prom, opening night of the play I'm working on/my boyfriend's birthday, and my brother's graduation. GOOD JOB ZOE.

too long!

wow! it has been MONTHS since i've written! too long, my friend, too long.

i guess it's a good thing though, since i usually write when i feel disconnected or blue, so i guess that means i've been doing pretty well lately! i still miss the writing though.

so much has been going on.
my boy, Andy, is just freakin amazing. it's so nice to finally have a guy i can depend on who makes me feel happy and smiley and who makes me laugh and who i can talk to and share things with. he's really incredible.
i got into college, WOOOOT! I got into most of my favorite schools, with only a few disappointments. but i have plenty of good options to choose from! college tours next week and hopefully something will have that "this is it" kind of feeling! wish me luck!

that's the very vague jist, i just wanted to get going on writing again since i miss it. and hopefully i'll get some of my photos up here soon too!

POUR-
pour out your heart and soul and don't think for a second about it. it's all about letting out what's eating you up inside. it's all about letting out the thoughts, the desires, the urges to capture something beyond the usual in life.

Bring in the New Year

2009, look what you’ve done to me? Until recently, you were about to end on a bad note, my friend.

2009, you have put me through so much. In your year, you have given me broken friendships, broken dreams, broken hearts and broken spirits. But guess what? I got mad healing powers, dawg. Even with all the shit and tears you’ve given me this year, I’ve pulled through with some good times too. Isn’t it good to know that the small good times still count amongst the bad ones? 2009, you’ve given me hell, but you’ve also given me smiles and laughter and hope and recovery and happiness. You’ve given me that, too.

Looking back on this year, the things that stick out the most to me are, I’ll admit, the bad ones.

Looking back on Last Minute, the things I remember are the hurt and the anger and the jealousy. I remember how my best friends turned on me and how they were too cowardly to be straightforward with it. I remember our summer of shows and how I felt unwanted at each one. I remember how my thoughts and ideas and feelings were pushed aside and how my opinions stopped mattering to the people who mattered to me the most. I remember how Ryan stopped asking what was wrong when he knew I was sad and how he stopped calling to hang out. I remember how they asked me not to play in a show. I remember how I left the warehouse that day in tears and started walking to my house, even though it was about two hours away on foot. I remember how for the first time in what seemed like forever, Ryan tried to comfort me, did he not realize he was the one ruining me? When I think about the band now, I don’t think about all the good stuff that used to be. Now I think about how all the good stuff is tainted by the bad memories. Now I think about all the times I was laughing and they weren’t. I think about how I can’t listen to those songs anymore. Things should be better now but their not. Ryan, I hate you for what you did to me and I miss who you used to be. I don’t know where we go from here.

Looking back on what I did to Eliza, I wish I could take it all back. None of it was worth it, none of it should have happened. I lost a best friend’s trust, trust in myself, and a lot of dignity. It was not worth it. That’s all there is to say.

Looking back on Max’s death, my heart is filled with anger and frustration and disbelief. I remember everything that happened this summer and how hurt and stressed and terrified your family was. I remember how Peg and I tried to talk to you and you gave us denial and slurred words. I don’t understand but I just wish you could have. I’m sorry that everything went the way it did Maxy boy, and I hope you can find forgiveness wherever you are now. We all miss you Max. Please send strength to your family, because you owe them that.


2009, you’ve been a doozie, but like I said, I’ve had the good times too.

I’ve broken away from my dependence on the band, I’ve taught myself guitar! I’ve made music my own, I’ve written songs that express my every emotion and I don’t need anyone in order to play them, just me, just the way I need it to be.

I’ve created an incredible bond with a group of incredible girls that I know have my back just as any teammate should, and just as I have theirs. This season of water polo is impossible to describe. I have shared so many smiles, such good laughs and so much love with that team and I can’t even begin to explain the adoration and respect I have for each of them. Only with that group of girls could it be possible for me to enjoy and look forward to morning practice. Only with that group of girls could I still be happy despite missing my final game for a stupid broken finger. They are amazing and the essence of happiness and joy in this world.

I’ve made an imprint on my school! Who would have thunk it too, I thought I was invisible. But no, people actually know who I am! Winning homecoming queen this year was an incredible feeling. Truly. It feels good to be liked. :) And at the end of a hard water polo season, the biggest reward was to be given MVP, thank you to my wopo girlies for supporting me.

I have amazing friends. Although we all have our ups and downs, I know they are good people who are there for me. I have strengthened so many old friendships and gained so many new ones and I am so happy and thankful for every one of them.

I’ve got me a boy :) And he is wonderful. And I am so happy.



So 2009, you have sucked and you have rocked but, all in all, I am very glad to see you go. Bring it on 2010, and prepare to be rocked.

December 23rd

December 23rd and the ice skating rink is packed. People are hurrying to learn how to glide gracefully on their new feet and only laughter is heard when someone falls. Not a single tear, not a single sob, just smiles. Although away from home, you see old friends and familiar faces. The spirit is fun, the environment is happy and the windows let in bright warm beams of light that convince you it’s not winter.
December 23rd walking around the city and the place is crowded. You see more faces you know, greeting each with a smile and an exuberant wave. The wide sidewalks are packed with people in long coats, scarves, gloves, and hats, each carrying numerous shopping bags in various sizes. A tall, thin woman with perfect posture manages to squeeze inconspicuously through the throng of people without much effort, her extravagant eye makeup giving her away as a Nutcracker ballerina. People of all ages press their noses to the glass of the Macy’s windows like children, just to see the sweetly sleeping puppies and kittens up for adoption inside. As the sun fades, group of shoppers overcome with the joyful spirit stop their uphill trek, drop their bags, and give in to the gospel music that has been pounding from inside their chests. Their bold and broad voices soar out into the brisk air and their faces ask not for coins, but for smiles.
December 23rd and everything is beautiful. With big hugs goodbye, it’s time to go home. A slow walk back to the ferry is the perfect way to soak up the last bits of city life before returning to a bed in suburbia. The lights on the buildings are strings of white against an ink black sky. Trees inside lobbies tower over check-in desks with glittery ornaments and oversize bows. Although the crowd has been left behind, the spirit still lingers, laughter rising up over the street lamps and tall windows. A lonely saxophonist closes his eyes as he blows out the notes of Silent Night with a gentle passion. The notes ring out flawlessly and the night is silent.

snapshots in fastforward

happiness seems like a sideways destination right now. i can't really see it as an incoming event unless i look for it. i have nothing to look forward to right now. all the things that make me happy in a moment, an hour, a day, they fade away once the time has passed.
i wonder if it's the confusion i have about liking this guy. knowing that i do, but wondering if i should. i think it's going somewhere, but i don't know if that's a good idea. once again, my trust issues are coming into play.
i also think that i'm just loosing the structure of my life. without water polo, and it breaks my heart to think that i won't play on that team again,everything has kind of fallen apart. it feels strangely intruding to have the free time now. nothing to fill it up with, but i'm still too busy to hang out with friends. how does that work?
i think i just need to get outside! go for a run! reconnect with the things i love: nature, photography, sunshine, laughter.
i'm falling into that slump of not knowing where i fit in again. not with the friends doing drugs, not with the friends partying everyday, not with the friend whose trust i betrayed, not with the friends who forced me out of the group i loved. who is left? i know who is left, but something is missing there, none of them have ever been my best friends and now is not the time to find a new person to care for, not when this stage of life is almost over.
maybe that's why i'm depending on and worrying about this boy so much, because he would be a friend too. but still...
"tomorrow," i tell myself, "tomorrow i will pick back up in my life, right where i left off."
maybe tomorrow i will, but most likely tomorrow i won't. i need to step it up if i want things to change though.

senior year is an interesting thing. everybody has come into themselves. i can easily see how each person in my class is going to fit into the world now. most of the awkward has faded away, most of the judgment has been left behind, i see them in the world, being real people. it's odd,it's like seeing your baby cousins grow up. you didn't notice the time passing until all of a sudden the baby is a toddler and the toddler is a little girl and the little girl is a vibrant and humorous light in your life.
but with your classmates it's still a little different. you realize suddenly that, all along, you've used them to gauge things in your life. "oh, she's the type of girl to hang out with so-and-so" or "they're the nerdy bunch" or "she's one of the hotties of our grade." but now, MOST of the girls in my class are hotties. they are gorgeous young women and it makes me smile to realize how much we have all transformed. and the boys too. when did they grow? when did they become the "senior boys" that are notoriously lusted after by the underclassmen?? it happened without anyone noticing. it's all pretty marvelous really.

so, things are at a bit of a standstill. stuck in abyss of sludgy hopes for progress and the realization that the fastforward button has just been switched back to plat. it's time to catch up, it's time to buckle down and make something happen. it's time to stop watching, waiting and wondering and start doing.

venting

I don’t know where the days have gone...where the time has gone. It just all seems so endless. Endlessly thumping along. I want a break, a real break. This week has just been more of the same, only less…emotional. I would almost rather have all the sadness and pain though, cause it’s still better than nothing.
I’m being consumed by the expectations of my life.
Go to school
Do your work
Get enough sleep
Exercise
Do your work from last week
Go to class at COM
Don’t forget to call this person
Check in with that person

This is a “break,” except that it’s not. Psh. I am tired but restless. I am bored but unwilling to do anything.
I went to the beach today, this cool little secluded beach tucked away in the headlands. It was beautiful. It was such a release! And the weather was perfect. Sunny but cool and breezy. It was amazing. It was so refreshing to be out of the house and into the sun and dipping my feet in the water. I think it’s the first I’ve been out in days. And all of this wonderful sunny happiness only lasted a few hours. I need a full day of it. I need a full week of it. I need to be out and about, in the trees, in the air, in the sun. maybe I’ll go for some hikes this next week. If only I can fit it into my schedule.
I need to catch up on so much, on everything it seems. I wish some of it would work itself out on it’s own.

RIP Maxy boy

oh max, what is happening? this wasn't supposed to happen. not to your family, not to you. i hate to see them cry. they have been my family for as long as my mother and father. you and i grew up together, and look, neither of us are even done.
i can't believe you're gone. i can't wrap my head around it.

I spent the day at your house. peg's doing well, she's talking about it and coping. your dad is an empty shell. he's helpless, max. you've put him through so much, i don't know how much more he can take. his face didn't change all day, he's just empty.
your mom doesn't believe it. she stills thinks you'll come walking in at any moment. she's going to see you tomorrow because she still doesn't believe it.
i spent the day with pei ja. max, that little girl meant the world to you. you meant the world to that little girl. her world has been turned upside down max. she doesn't know how to cope with this in any way, and she's scared to not have her mom and dad available to help her through it. i held her hand all day, we hadour arms around each other everywhere we went. i told her that it was okay to cry but that it was also okay to have fun and laugh and smile. she said she was worried, because she couldn't cry but she didn't want to dishonor you. we talked and talked. and when she cried, i held her in my arms. she doesn't know what to do max. she doesn't know how to act without you.
i'm trying not to take my tears and turn them into anger. i'm trying not to let those thoughts in. but i AM mad. i am mad at you for putting them through this and i am mad at you for letting it go this far.
but mostly maxyboy, i'm sorry to see this day. i'm sorry that whatever road you took ended here and i'm sorry that it ended so soon.
i have so many good memories of you max, so many. like i've said, we grew up together.
i'm so sorry to see you go.

Rest In Peace Max.

this can't be happening.

where is my mind?
this is unreal. so painfully unwelcome.

A girl like me.

I saw that girl today, the one who sits in class and stares into space.
I think she's got something on her mind. I always see her sitting perfectly still, thinking to herself, when all of a sudden, she makes a quick motion to pull out a small, worn paper journal and writes frantically. The journal is the color of a camel, a bland brown, but it has doodles in the corner and some words scrawled diagonally across the front. I wonder if anyone but her knows what's in there.

I saw that girl today, the lonely one. she laughs along with the jokes her friends tell but i don't think she knows which ones she can actually trust. I wonder who she calls when she needs to talk.

I saw that girl today, the one with the green bike. She rides that bike everywhere. I didn't envy her for it at first, but now i wish i could feel the wind on my face like that. i'm jealous of her windblown curls and her pink-from-the-cold cheeks.

I saw that girl today, the one who has too much on her plate. she was holding her breath. she was counting.

I saw that girl today, the one with invisible burdens piled high on her back. she was riding her bike home, her face red with emotion, her eyes puffy and wet.

I saw that girl today, the one who wishes it would rain. She likes to walk in the rain, to let it rinse her life completely, if only for an hour or two.

I'm not going out today, but can you give her a message for me if you see her? Tell her it will all be ok in the end. Tell her that things always get better. Tell her she's not as alone as she might feel. Tell her I said hi.

wishes falling to the wayside

i am filled with wishes.
not the good kind, but the regretful kind, the sorrowful kind.

i wish i had protected myself from this better. I wish i wasn't so eager to be close with the wrong people. i wish i knew what i wanted out of all of this. i wish things never got bad between us, we used to be best friends.

and i wish that that last wish didn't apply to so many people.

and i'm wishing that i hadn't felt the need to open up. i like opening up to people, but i also like keeping myself a mystery. i like knowing more about myself than anyone else does. i like having my places to write and my songs to sing, knowing that they will not be read or heard. i wish that i had kept that. i wish that i hadn't given that up.

i wish that i knew how to fix things in my own life. i wish that i wasn't always the pioneer of experience in my world. i wish that someone could relate to my problems, rather than always me relating to theirs. i wish that i wasn't so alone.

it would be nice to feel warm. to feel comfortable and needed. i am needed, but in cold, routine ways. i am not vital to anyone. they don't need me like i need them. i have not been warm in days.

i wish i could create. i wish i had time. i wish my wishes were heard. i miss the leisure that brings art. the time that gives my heart the self propelling urgency to produce. the time that gives my mind a chance to breathe.

the water was cold today. i took it for granted. i didn't dive in. i scampered and jumped and fell and tumbled. but i didn't give myself to the water. i should have dove in. i should have remembered my need to be washed over, to refresh myself, my body, my mind. i should have closed my eyes and taken that moment to cleanse. i should have dove in.

i wish that i could stretch out in the sun. i wish i could stretch my sore and tense muscles. my tense back, my tense shoulders, my tense arms. my neck. my chest.
i wish body i used to know would kick into action and streeeeetch, but the muscles have forgotten, they have grow strong and hard. they have grown ready for a fight. they have grown ready to defend.

my memories are falling to the wayside. all that has mattered seems trivial now. they seem useless. they seem abandoned. i wish someone would pick them up, dust them off and apologize.

i think i'm done

perhaps i understand a grudge now. i'm beginning to think that a grudge is often more accurately described as "permanently hurt feelings," though that sounds a bit childish.

but i think i get it now.
because that is what i have.

and i'll tell you what i don't have when it comes to you:
reason
SENSIBILITY
clarity

and that's why i still give you, time and again, my
emotions
faith
HOPE
advice
friendship
HEART
love
time


but i'm nearing the edge of the water here. i'm trying to get the sound of your empty words out of my hopeful mind and my still so empty chest. i've tried to fill that emptiness with your words one too many times, and i'm starving as a i watch them fall through the holes you've left in me. you gave me those holes. you left them behind so that you could drop your intentions through them right in front of my eyes.
why can't i patch them up...? i hate watching the pieces fall.

you're a tangle of string in my mind. i want to figure you out, to work out the knots, or to just get rid of you, dump you for someone else to happen across. but to be able to untangle this knot would be the greatest triumph, the greatest reward.
when i try to make distance though, your tendrils wrap around me and hang on, keeping a sulky distance yet becoming the intruder of my thoughts. i want you out. i want you gone. i want to be done with you, but you won't go. when i try to get rid of you, you always stay.