A girl like me.

I saw that girl today, the one who sits in class and stares into space.
I think she's got something on her mind. I always see her sitting perfectly still, thinking to herself, when all of a sudden, she makes a quick motion to pull out a small, worn paper journal and writes frantically. The journal is the color of a camel, a bland brown, but it has doodles in the corner and some words scrawled diagonally across the front. I wonder if anyone but her knows what's in there.

I saw that girl today, the lonely one. she laughs along with the jokes her friends tell but i don't think she knows which ones she can actually trust. I wonder who she calls when she needs to talk.

I saw that girl today, the one with the green bike. She rides that bike everywhere. I didn't envy her for it at first, but now i wish i could feel the wind on my face like that. i'm jealous of her windblown curls and her pink-from-the-cold cheeks.

I saw that girl today, the one who has too much on her plate. she was holding her breath. she was counting.

I saw that girl today, the one with invisible burdens piled high on her back. she was riding her bike home, her face red with emotion, her eyes puffy and wet.

I saw that girl today, the one who wishes it would rain. She likes to walk in the rain, to let it rinse her life completely, if only for an hour or two.

I'm not going out today, but can you give her a message for me if you see her? Tell her it will all be ok in the end. Tell her that things always get better. Tell her she's not as alone as she might feel. Tell her I said hi.

wishes falling to the wayside

i am filled with wishes.
not the good kind, but the regretful kind, the sorrowful kind.

i wish i had protected myself from this better. I wish i wasn't so eager to be close with the wrong people. i wish i knew what i wanted out of all of this. i wish things never got bad between us, we used to be best friends.

and i wish that that last wish didn't apply to so many people.

and i'm wishing that i hadn't felt the need to open up. i like opening up to people, but i also like keeping myself a mystery. i like knowing more about myself than anyone else does. i like having my places to write and my songs to sing, knowing that they will not be read or heard. i wish that i had kept that. i wish that i hadn't given that up.

i wish that i knew how to fix things in my own life. i wish that i wasn't always the pioneer of experience in my world. i wish that someone could relate to my problems, rather than always me relating to theirs. i wish that i wasn't so alone.

it would be nice to feel warm. to feel comfortable and needed. i am needed, but in cold, routine ways. i am not vital to anyone. they don't need me like i need them. i have not been warm in days.

i wish i could create. i wish i had time. i wish my wishes were heard. i miss the leisure that brings art. the time that gives my heart the self propelling urgency to produce. the time that gives my mind a chance to breathe.

the water was cold today. i took it for granted. i didn't dive in. i scampered and jumped and fell and tumbled. but i didn't give myself to the water. i should have dove in. i should have remembered my need to be washed over, to refresh myself, my body, my mind. i should have closed my eyes and taken that moment to cleanse. i should have dove in.

i wish that i could stretch out in the sun. i wish i could stretch my sore and tense muscles. my tense back, my tense shoulders, my tense arms. my neck. my chest.
i wish body i used to know would kick into action and streeeeetch, but the muscles have forgotten, they have grow strong and hard. they have grown ready for a fight. they have grown ready to defend.

my memories are falling to the wayside. all that has mattered seems trivial now. they seem useless. they seem abandoned. i wish someone would pick them up, dust them off and apologize.