fighting words

Fighting words are dangerous. to you and to those around you. Please do not use fighting word again.

Fighting words hurt.

Fighting words, the words you say when you're mad, angry, upset, hurt, struggling and you want to make someone else feel bad too. so you throw daggers.

When you look back, a second, a moment, a minute, a lifetime later, you wish you had thought about it, you wish you had said something else, you wish you hadn't sharpened the points.

You watch them damage, destroy, destruct, tear what had been there before. Your head hurts, heart hurts, ears hurt, chest hurts, why did i say those things?

Ringing, ranting, yelling, fighting, typing, griping, arguing, snapping, none of it it good, none of it helps, none of it heals what's wrong here.

I want to hold you, love you, tell you, hear you, hug you, show you that i am sorry.

I want to prove to you, share with you, build with you, care for with you this mangled piece of "us" in my hands

I want this hurt to stop, throb to stop, heart to pop, tears to drop, hear you drop an "i still love you"

I want to call you, text you, play to you, sing to you, make you listen to my heart cause my voice isn't telling the story right and it's urgent

I'm sorry, baby i'm sorry. fuck, i'm sorry. I didn't mean to throw those words.

I am so proud today. not of myself, but of Andy. He is truly incredible.

He makes things happen for himself. Not the way some people do, some people make everyday things happen, like going to the beach, or getting chores done. No, Andy makes big things happen. He can do whatever he'd like to do in this world, and he's going to. He'll make it happen.

November 7, 2010

She lets her head fall to the desk as she begins to cry. The hard wood against her cheek only reminds her where she is not: against his chest.

Suddenly though, the platform catching her tears grows softer, she feels the hairs on her cheeks prickle as they feel a sudden warmth. She lifts her eyes to glance up past her brow to see a chin covered with short dark hairs and a pair of deep brown pools of worry looking down at her.

"what's wrong baby?"

"I just miss you so much," she chokes out as she brings her hand up in front of her face to feel his warm chiseled chest, finding the clay necklace resting there. She thumbs the pendant as she blinks up at his beautiful face.

His eyes more caring than a mother's, his chin more handsome than any other, and his jaw, perfectly defined.

She brings her hand up to run her fingers along the lines of his neck as she feels his smooth warm hand run up her arm. She closes her eyes and breathes in his wonderfully familiar scent.

After a moment, she slowly opens her eyes again, needing another glimpse of his handsome face...

but he is gone.

Her head remains on the cold, hard desk and she lets her hand slowly slide down and lay limp at her side. The table is wet with tears.