home

I've been feeling very sick lately.

Homesick mostly.

I am homesick not only for family and the couch, but for pretty much everything about my life the way it was before I left for college.

I miss spending time on the couch

I miss having my best friend Katie curled up in a fuzzy little ball on my feet

I miss being so close to my parents

I miss having Andy over and leaning against him as we watched TV and movies

I miss being inspired to make music

I miss having time and privacy to make music

I miss the golden sun that would always come through my bedroom window

I really miss Katie

I miss going on walks

I miss California

I miss water polo

I miss my high school friends

I miss senior year

I miss the familiarity of Terra Linda

I miss driving about

I miss going places with Gina on a whim when we got out of class early

I miss going out for lunch

I miss my group of girlfriends and how we had the unspoken agreement of eating lunch together

I miss how much fun those lunches would be

I miss the sunshine, the way it felt when it trickled across my face, the way it felt to be a high school senior, on top of the world, in the sunshine

I miss music

I miss it all

I've been feeling homesick and trying to place where the feeling is coming from.

I already knew that all these things were things that I missed, but I suppose it became really apparent this winter break that I'm not getting most of these things back. I'm past this stage in my life, and I guess this new stage just hasn't settled all the way in yet. It's good in a different way. It's not easy-going yet.

that's what I miss most about California, nothing was rushed in California.

Every minute of my life is scheduled here. Scheduled with great things, no doubt, but scheduled nonetheless. I'd like to get a few moments to breathe.

I remember the Spring here feels like that, so hopefully the spring will bring me my relief.

I realize that there is very little time now that I can chill on the couch in the sunshine and read, or watch tv, or just lay there.

and it breaks my heart most that even when I get those moments, they won't be with the souls I love most anymore.

Katie is gone for good and it hurts in a way I still can't understand.

Andy is gone at school now, so when he is home he has people to see too.

Mommy is a hard worker and has a scheduled life as well.

Daddy lives in the man-cave.

Three of those names I can get if I wanted. One of them I can never have again. My sweet Katie girl, I miss your generous love and your unrelenting warmth. I miss the true friendship you gave me since the day we met almost 15 years ago. I miss the hours we spent lounging in the sun together, chilling on the couch, and snuggling on the bed. I miss your sweet pink nose and your beautiful blue eyes. I miss the beautiful stripes and spots on your face. I miss the rumble of your thankful purr. I miss the trust you had in me. I miss the connection we had to each other. My best friend, forever and always. I miss you little girl. Know that my love is with you.

I miss everything from home, I just miss truly feeling home.

this welling pain in my chest

these welling tears in my eyes

this frustration that we don't agree on this.

I can't not say anything

I can't sit back and let my beliefs slip through my fingers.

I can't let you harm yourself if I have the chance to prevent it

I can't let you become one of the people I look at in disgust and feel sorry for them and their poor will power

i am a hypocrite but i'm trying not to be

you are a hypocrite and becoming more of one

this makes me mad to begin with, but what makes me most mad is what it's doing to us.

you've broken my trust

you've broken your promises

you've broken my faith in your words

when i'm there you obey, you listen, you are safe

when i'm not, it all goes to shit.

you lie to me, you feed me just enough truth to get away with it

you agree just enough for me not to be able to push any further

it bothers me, because i think you're doing so much of this to be cool.

you're cool anyway. you're cooler without it

the coolest people are the ones who can say no and can still have a good time

the coolest ones are the guys that are funny, not blurry eyed and in a different world

you're cool because you have a passion, losing track of that because of something else is not cool.

you're cool because you treat your girl with respect and chivalry. letting that fall away is not cool, and it hurts.

you think there are no detectable changes, nothing i can point out as a difference to use as evidence.

no dates

no money

no humor

no romance

i miss who i fell in love with. i know he is still there but i don't know how to relate to him when i don't believe in choices that he makes. i don't know how to talk to him when i don't know that he's doing even the simplest things to stay safe.

you make me feel cray, like a lunatic, like an overbearing bitch. but i don't think i am. i don't think that wanting you to make healthy choices makes me that person. Other people agree with me. then why do you make me feel like such shit for trying to protect you?

why is protecting you so hard? why won't you let me?

i don't know what to do, i don't know how to act, i don't know what to say. i hate being out of control, but you make me feel guilty for being in control. how to i find a balance of compromise to make you happy without hating myself.