venting

I don’t know where the days have gone...where the time has gone. It just all seems so endless. Endlessly thumping along. I want a break, a real break. This week has just been more of the same, only less…emotional. I would almost rather have all the sadness and pain though, cause it’s still better than nothing.
I’m being consumed by the expectations of my life.
Go to school
Do your work
Get enough sleep
Exercise
Do your work from last week
Go to class at COM
Don’t forget to call this person
Check in with that person

This is a “break,” except that it’s not. Psh. I am tired but restless. I am bored but unwilling to do anything.
I went to the beach today, this cool little secluded beach tucked away in the headlands. It was beautiful. It was such a release! And the weather was perfect. Sunny but cool and breezy. It was amazing. It was so refreshing to be out of the house and into the sun and dipping my feet in the water. I think it’s the first I’ve been out in days. And all of this wonderful sunny happiness only lasted a few hours. I need a full day of it. I need a full week of it. I need to be out and about, in the trees, in the air, in the sun. maybe I’ll go for some hikes this next week. If only I can fit it into my schedule.
I need to catch up on so much, on everything it seems. I wish some of it would work itself out on it’s own.

RIP Maxy boy

oh max, what is happening? this wasn't supposed to happen. not to your family, not to you. i hate to see them cry. they have been my family for as long as my mother and father. you and i grew up together, and look, neither of us are even done.
i can't believe you're gone. i can't wrap my head around it.

I spent the day at your house. peg's doing well, she's talking about it and coping. your dad is an empty shell. he's helpless, max. you've put him through so much, i don't know how much more he can take. his face didn't change all day, he's just empty.
your mom doesn't believe it. she stills thinks you'll come walking in at any moment. she's going to see you tomorrow because she still doesn't believe it.
i spent the day with pei ja. max, that little girl meant the world to you. you meant the world to that little girl. her world has been turned upside down max. she doesn't know how to cope with this in any way, and she's scared to not have her mom and dad available to help her through it. i held her hand all day, we hadour arms around each other everywhere we went. i told her that it was okay to cry but that it was also okay to have fun and laugh and smile. she said she was worried, because she couldn't cry but she didn't want to dishonor you. we talked and talked. and when she cried, i held her in my arms. she doesn't know what to do max. she doesn't know how to act without you.
i'm trying not to take my tears and turn them into anger. i'm trying not to let those thoughts in. but i AM mad. i am mad at you for putting them through this and i am mad at you for letting it go this far.
but mostly maxyboy, i'm sorry to see this day. i'm sorry that whatever road you took ended here and i'm sorry that it ended so soon.
i have so many good memories of you max, so many. like i've said, we grew up together.
i'm so sorry to see you go.

Rest In Peace Max.

this can't be happening.

where is my mind?
this is unreal. so painfully unwelcome.