Bring in the New Year

2009, look what you’ve done to me? Until recently, you were about to end on a bad note, my friend.

2009, you have put me through so much. In your year, you have given me broken friendships, broken dreams, broken hearts and broken spirits. But guess what? I got mad healing powers, dawg. Even with all the shit and tears you’ve given me this year, I’ve pulled through with some good times too. Isn’t it good to know that the small good times still count amongst the bad ones? 2009, you’ve given me hell, but you’ve also given me smiles and laughter and hope and recovery and happiness. You’ve given me that, too.

Looking back on this year, the things that stick out the most to me are, I’ll admit, the bad ones.

Looking back on Last Minute, the things I remember are the hurt and the anger and the jealousy. I remember how my best friends turned on me and how they were too cowardly to be straightforward with it. I remember our summer of shows and how I felt unwanted at each one. I remember how my thoughts and ideas and feelings were pushed aside and how my opinions stopped mattering to the people who mattered to me the most. I remember how Ryan stopped asking what was wrong when he knew I was sad and how he stopped calling to hang out. I remember how they asked me not to play in a show. I remember how I left the warehouse that day in tears and started walking to my house, even though it was about two hours away on foot. I remember how for the first time in what seemed like forever, Ryan tried to comfort me, did he not realize he was the one ruining me? When I think about the band now, I don’t think about all the good stuff that used to be. Now I think about how all the good stuff is tainted by the bad memories. Now I think about all the times I was laughing and they weren’t. I think about how I can’t listen to those songs anymore. Things should be better now but their not. Ryan, I hate you for what you did to me and I miss who you used to be. I don’t know where we go from here.

Looking back on what I did to Eliza, I wish I could take it all back. None of it was worth it, none of it should have happened. I lost a best friend’s trust, trust in myself, and a lot of dignity. It was not worth it. That’s all there is to say.

Looking back on Max’s death, my heart is filled with anger and frustration and disbelief. I remember everything that happened this summer and how hurt and stressed and terrified your family was. I remember how Peg and I tried to talk to you and you gave us denial and slurred words. I don’t understand but I just wish you could have. I’m sorry that everything went the way it did Maxy boy, and I hope you can find forgiveness wherever you are now. We all miss you Max. Please send strength to your family, because you owe them that.


2009, you’ve been a doozie, but like I said, I’ve had the good times too.

I’ve broken away from my dependence on the band, I’ve taught myself guitar! I’ve made music my own, I’ve written songs that express my every emotion and I don’t need anyone in order to play them, just me, just the way I need it to be.

I’ve created an incredible bond with a group of incredible girls that I know have my back just as any teammate should, and just as I have theirs. This season of water polo is impossible to describe. I have shared so many smiles, such good laughs and so much love with that team and I can’t even begin to explain the adoration and respect I have for each of them. Only with that group of girls could it be possible for me to enjoy and look forward to morning practice. Only with that group of girls could I still be happy despite missing my final game for a stupid broken finger. They are amazing and the essence of happiness and joy in this world.

I’ve made an imprint on my school! Who would have thunk it too, I thought I was invisible. But no, people actually know who I am! Winning homecoming queen this year was an incredible feeling. Truly. It feels good to be liked. :) And at the end of a hard water polo season, the biggest reward was to be given MVP, thank you to my wopo girlies for supporting me.

I have amazing friends. Although we all have our ups and downs, I know they are good people who are there for me. I have strengthened so many old friendships and gained so many new ones and I am so happy and thankful for every one of them.

I’ve got me a boy :) And he is wonderful. And I am so happy.



So 2009, you have sucked and you have rocked but, all in all, I am very glad to see you go. Bring it on 2010, and prepare to be rocked.

December 23rd

December 23rd and the ice skating rink is packed. People are hurrying to learn how to glide gracefully on their new feet and only laughter is heard when someone falls. Not a single tear, not a single sob, just smiles. Although away from home, you see old friends and familiar faces. The spirit is fun, the environment is happy and the windows let in bright warm beams of light that convince you it’s not winter.
December 23rd walking around the city and the place is crowded. You see more faces you know, greeting each with a smile and an exuberant wave. The wide sidewalks are packed with people in long coats, scarves, gloves, and hats, each carrying numerous shopping bags in various sizes. A tall, thin woman with perfect posture manages to squeeze inconspicuously through the throng of people without much effort, her extravagant eye makeup giving her away as a Nutcracker ballerina. People of all ages press their noses to the glass of the Macy’s windows like children, just to see the sweetly sleeping puppies and kittens up for adoption inside. As the sun fades, group of shoppers overcome with the joyful spirit stop their uphill trek, drop their bags, and give in to the gospel music that has been pounding from inside their chests. Their bold and broad voices soar out into the brisk air and their faces ask not for coins, but for smiles.
December 23rd and everything is beautiful. With big hugs goodbye, it’s time to go home. A slow walk back to the ferry is the perfect way to soak up the last bits of city life before returning to a bed in suburbia. The lights on the buildings are strings of white against an ink black sky. Trees inside lobbies tower over check-in desks with glittery ornaments and oversize bows. Although the crowd has been left behind, the spirit still lingers, laughter rising up over the street lamps and tall windows. A lonely saxophonist closes his eyes as he blows out the notes of Silent Night with a gentle passion. The notes ring out flawlessly and the night is silent.

snapshots in fastforward

happiness seems like a sideways destination right now. i can't really see it as an incoming event unless i look for it. i have nothing to look forward to right now. all the things that make me happy in a moment, an hour, a day, they fade away once the time has passed.
i wonder if it's the confusion i have about liking this guy. knowing that i do, but wondering if i should. i think it's going somewhere, but i don't know if that's a good idea. once again, my trust issues are coming into play.
i also think that i'm just loosing the structure of my life. without water polo, and it breaks my heart to think that i won't play on that team again,everything has kind of fallen apart. it feels strangely intruding to have the free time now. nothing to fill it up with, but i'm still too busy to hang out with friends. how does that work?
i think i just need to get outside! go for a run! reconnect with the things i love: nature, photography, sunshine, laughter.
i'm falling into that slump of not knowing where i fit in again. not with the friends doing drugs, not with the friends partying everyday, not with the friend whose trust i betrayed, not with the friends who forced me out of the group i loved. who is left? i know who is left, but something is missing there, none of them have ever been my best friends and now is not the time to find a new person to care for, not when this stage of life is almost over.
maybe that's why i'm depending on and worrying about this boy so much, because he would be a friend too. but still...
"tomorrow," i tell myself, "tomorrow i will pick back up in my life, right where i left off."
maybe tomorrow i will, but most likely tomorrow i won't. i need to step it up if i want things to change though.

senior year is an interesting thing. everybody has come into themselves. i can easily see how each person in my class is going to fit into the world now. most of the awkward has faded away, most of the judgment has been left behind, i see them in the world, being real people. it's odd,it's like seeing your baby cousins grow up. you didn't notice the time passing until all of a sudden the baby is a toddler and the toddler is a little girl and the little girl is a vibrant and humorous light in your life.
but with your classmates it's still a little different. you realize suddenly that, all along, you've used them to gauge things in your life. "oh, she's the type of girl to hang out with so-and-so" or "they're the nerdy bunch" or "she's one of the hotties of our grade." but now, MOST of the girls in my class are hotties. they are gorgeous young women and it makes me smile to realize how much we have all transformed. and the boys too. when did they grow? when did they become the "senior boys" that are notoriously lusted after by the underclassmen?? it happened without anyone noticing. it's all pretty marvelous really.

so, things are at a bit of a standstill. stuck in abyss of sludgy hopes for progress and the realization that the fastforward button has just been switched back to plat. it's time to catch up, it's time to buckle down and make something happen. it's time to stop watching, waiting and wondering and start doing.