Andy (for those of you who don't know, this is my amazing boyfriend of 11 months) is doing his college applications right now, and he is applying to some pretty big name schools. It's weird. Obviously, the majority of me is so happy for him and proud of him and how hard he works and all that he is capable of and has achieved. But I can't help but feel so jealous! He is amazing. He is talented and smart and what his college advisor calls a "unicorn," a.k.a. a fantastically unique mix of attributes that make him extremely nice looking to colleges. But I'm jealous because he's inspired, and he's working hard and reaching out to make his dreams happen, he has something he loves and he's fighting for the best opportunity he can have to do it.
It's so hard to describe these feelings. I'm jealous because I'm not playing music anymore. And I'm jealous because I don't know where to go next with my photography. And I'm jealous that one of these schools far away from Washington will have my boy next year. And I'm jealous that he has the guts to go for something he loves. And I don't know what to do about any of it.
Being at school can be so distracting. I know I'm here to learn, and I know I would be bored and disappointed if I weren't doing crew, but I can't help but feel frustrated with my lack of inspiration. But that seems wrong too. I do feel inspired. I am just too chicken to do anything about it. I used to write all the time, I used to take photos of everything, I used to make music or lyrics all throughout the day. Even my lame singing class is bringing out the crazy feelings I have of just absolutely missing singing. I love it, and I need it, but I am still so scared by it. I am scared of not being as good as I want to be, I'm frustrated with the feeling of not being able to create the music I have in my head, and I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to jump back into what I left behind. But I'm growing restless and I need to jump, like really really jump. I need to fly.
