fighting words

Fighting words are dangerous. to you and to those around you. Please do not use fighting word again.

Fighting words hurt.

Fighting words, the words you say when you're mad, angry, upset, hurt, struggling and you want to make someone else feel bad too. so you throw daggers.

When you look back, a second, a moment, a minute, a lifetime later, you wish you had thought about it, you wish you had said something else, you wish you hadn't sharpened the points.

You watch them damage, destroy, destruct, tear what had been there before. Your head hurts, heart hurts, ears hurt, chest hurts, why did i say those things?

Ringing, ranting, yelling, fighting, typing, griping, arguing, snapping, none of it it good, none of it helps, none of it heals what's wrong here.

I want to hold you, love you, tell you, hear you, hug you, show you that i am sorry.

I want to prove to you, share with you, build with you, care for with you this mangled piece of "us" in my hands

I want this hurt to stop, throb to stop, heart to pop, tears to drop, hear you drop an "i still love you"

I want to call you, text you, play to you, sing to you, make you listen to my heart cause my voice isn't telling the story right and it's urgent

I'm sorry, baby i'm sorry. fuck, i'm sorry. I didn't mean to throw those words.

I am so proud today. not of myself, but of Andy. He is truly incredible.

He makes things happen for himself. Not the way some people do, some people make everyday things happen, like going to the beach, or getting chores done. No, Andy makes big things happen. He can do whatever he'd like to do in this world, and he's going to. He'll make it happen.

November 7, 2010

She lets her head fall to the desk as she begins to cry. The hard wood against her cheek only reminds her where she is not: against his chest.

Suddenly though, the platform catching her tears grows softer, she feels the hairs on her cheeks prickle as they feel a sudden warmth. She lifts her eyes to glance up past her brow to see a chin covered with short dark hairs and a pair of deep brown pools of worry looking down at her.

"what's wrong baby?"

"I just miss you so much," she chokes out as she brings her hand up in front of her face to feel his warm chiseled chest, finding the clay necklace resting there. She thumbs the pendant as she blinks up at his beautiful face.

His eyes more caring than a mother's, his chin more handsome than any other, and his jaw, perfectly defined.

She brings her hand up to run her fingers along the lines of his neck as she feels his smooth warm hand run up her arm. She closes her eyes and breathes in his wonderfully familiar scent.

After a moment, she slowly opens her eyes again, needing another glimpse of his handsome face...

but he is gone.

Her head remains on the cold, hard desk and she lets her hand slowly slide down and lay limp at her side. The table is wet with tears.

poetry slam

I just got back from my very first poetry slam event (as an audience member) and it was AWESOME. It is oh so frustrating to be sitting in that audience listening to these people pour out their thoughts and souls and have my own poetic thoughts run through my head and to get back here, to my welcoming and familiar keyboard, and to forget each of the things I didn't want to.

shelby, who wishes she had a guitar onstage with her when she stands there, I want to tell you how much I used to wish that too. I still do I suppose, but now in a whole new starting from scratch sorta way. I can sing to a crowd, I can sing to a stadium, but playing guitar and singing the words that I wrote is what scares me senseless. Now there are three levels of vulnerability, my voice, my fumbling fingers and my weighty heart. I don't give myself enough credit, because you see, I have four peely fingertips to show you that I am a guitar player, but I have next to zero guts to show you that I am a guitar player. That is why I'm starting from scratch. Now, my singing and my playing are sewn together, they are one system, one organ, one pulsating and pushing urge to create a sound that maybe maybe someone will understand. I want to be heard, but the guitar is not quite enough to hide behind, instead it sits on my lap like a Great Dane, you want it there because you care for it, but it just a little uncomfortable. I want to have my music heard and appreciated from my own throat and hands, but it turns out I am afraid of both failure and praise. I don't want to trip over the music that I know I know, but I'm afraid of the feeling of hearing someone say "good job, that was great, I didn't realize you..." Didn't realize I what? Had stories to tell? Had words to spill? Had fingers that could hold little strings on a guitar tight enough to make them vibrate in just the right way to create one of the most beautiful sounds I know? Sometimes I forget too.

INSPIRATION

Just got back to Seattle after the most wonderful long weekend I've had. Well, the whole week was actually pretty wonderful. It snowed here in Seattle, then I got to go home and spend some much needed time with Andy, my family and friends from home. Now I'm back at school, and it feels nice to be here too.

Andy (for those of you who don't know, this is my amazing boyfriend of 11 months) is doing his college applications right now, and he is applying to some pretty big name schools. It's weird. Obviously, the majority of me is so happy for him and proud of him and how hard he works and all that he is capable of and has achieved. But I can't help but feel so jealous! He is amazing. He is talented and smart and what his college advisor calls a "unicorn," a.k.a. a fantastically unique mix of attributes that make him extremely nice looking to colleges. But I'm jealous because he's inspired, and he's working hard and reaching out to make his dreams happen, he has something he loves and he's fighting for the best opportunity he can have to do it.

It's so hard to describe these feelings. I'm jealous because I'm not playing music anymore. And I'm jealous because I don't know where to go next with my photography. And I'm jealous that one of these schools far away from Washington will have my boy next year. And I'm jealous that he has the guts to go for something he loves. And I don't know what to do about any of it.

Being at school can be so distracting. I know I'm here to learn, and I know I would be bored and disappointed if I weren't doing crew, but I can't help but feel frustrated with my lack of inspiration. But that seems wrong too. I do feel inspired. I am just too chicken to do anything about it. I used to write all the time, I used to take photos of everything, I used to make music or lyrics all throughout the day. Even my lame singing class is bringing out the crazy feelings I have of just absolutely missing singing. I love it, and I need it, but I am still so scared by it. I am scared of not being as good as I want to be, I'm frustrated with the feeling of not being able to create the music I have in my head, and I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to jump back into what I left behind. But I'm growing restless and I need to jump, like really really jump. I need to fly.

no one likes halfway

halfway full

halfway done

halfway good

halfway anything

the halfway point sucks

i am halfway (i believe today is the exact day) and it is sooo hard. It's a bad torn feeling because i'm starting to really like it here and find my place and find my motivation and all of that, but at the same time, i am sooo ready to see andy again and to be home for a bit and to feel all of that familiarity. But i'm only halfway. Once i get past this week and the next, it will be so easy! I just don't know how to do that.

I miss him so much it hurts and i feel like i'm forgetting my own advice on staying happy and positive. But it's hard, really hard, sometimes to listen to your own advice.

10/10/10

My first assignment for one of my classes in college is to write about how my transition to the UW is going. I have a LOT of things to say about how my transition is going, but the things i want to say are not the things they want to hear. they want to hear about classes and whether college is what i imagined and so on.

What i want to talk about though is how, even though i am enjoying college so far and things are feeling more comfortable and normal each day, the thing i can't get off of my mind is how much i miss andy.

It's hard to miss someone when you are the one who left. You feel guilty and responsible. you feel like you're the cause of all the pain, you don't get to blame anyone else for how you are feeling. But, for me anyway, the worst part is that i don't have anyone i can really talk to about it, no yet anyway.

It feels like every other minute my throat is swelling up and i'm fighting back tears that i just cannot let drip down my face. I can call people and maybe cry a little, but i try to disguise it in my voice so that people walking by, or the people outside my room, or my roommates, don't hear. i just need to let it all out but i don't have a place to do that.

the tears come whether i want them to or not, it's just become a matter of wiping them off before they attract the attention that they need but don't want.

the worst part is that i know he is having a hard time too. but he thinks about it differently than me. he hates being sad and missing me, and i hate it too, but i see how special it is to have someone that it hurts to be away from. it means so much more than distance or geography or anything else, it means you have someone that you care about so much that, whether you're labeled as together or not.

get this shit rollin'

i hate hate hate feeling torn. It sucks so much in so many ways. how do i commit myself to something so serious if i don't even know if i care about it yet? how do i chose what matters when i don't know what will matter in the long run?

damn.

i have to keep going and give it a try because i know i will be disappointed in myself if i don't. i have to keep trying until i have a good reason not to.

so many things are new and there are so many things to try.

i wanted to pick them all but i have to pick a few.

water polo was a leap of faith and look how well it turned out! I want to be strong, i want to be motivated, i want to be proud of what i have accomplished, so why the hell am i not totally pumped about this?! i have no fucking idea. I think i just have a lot on my plate.

to everyone who is reading this who has not gone to college yet, it is different than you expect. yes, you make friends. yes, you have fun. yes, your classes are more interesting. But it's crazy how all of those things have this new kind of pressure on them. I'm sure i'm more prone to getting stressed from that pressure than other people, but still, i'm sure you'll feel it.

you know what? i'm going to do this. i'm going to put behind my freakish nerves and just do it. i really cannot think of why i shouldn't. i'm already improving! i'm already doing better at the running, the friend-making, the core stuff, the erging and the nuances of this sport (what little nuances i've had the opportunity to try so far anyway), i just need to get my head in the game.

i don't know if i can.

leaving my kitty and my boy is the scariest thing i've faced in a long time.

College: My Realizations About What Having A Roommate Really Means

1) they are not your friends who love you yet, they are strangers who may not understand your habits

2) keep your shit clean!

3) with the exception of your bed, your space is also everyone else's space

4) no wedgie picking

5) no nose picking

6) no picking and choosing, learn to settle for things

7) try not to make weird noises in your sleep

8) what if they don't love disney channel as much as i do??

9) keep yourself mostly covered when you get dressed

10) be quiet at night, no loud music to help you try to stay awake

more to come as they come to my mind!

new background!

ok, we're experimenting here. the hope is that with a new, slightly more cheerful, background my posts will become slightly more cheerful too. I won't lie, it kinda bums me out that most of what i write on here are complaints of my friends, my failures, my frustrations and other such things, especially when life seems to be going ok for the most part.

let's see then, it's summer time, i'm working as a lifeguard/swim instructor at the neighborhood pool, and i have a lovely boyfriend and lovely friends. well, mostly lovely friends...

the things is, some of my friends are DBs (my school's abbreviation for "Drunk Bitch") and some are kinda sluts. that's rude to say of my dear sweet friends, i know, but it's also an undeniable truth. but i don't want to think about it, because it makes me want to yak.

so i'll tell you about the pool! for me, a pail ginger haired young lady, working t the pool in the sun all day was probably one of the stupidest decisions i've ever made. it is a long and exhausting job to stay alert under the burning sun to watch loud obnoxious children and make sure they don't drown one another, yet i'm really enjoying it. :)

i like my coworkers, the pool itself, the responsibility, and the kids (usually). giving swim lessons is always an adventure, whether it's teaching them to kick with both legs or do alternating arm strokes, or blow bubbles under the water (yes, spit bubbles are the alternative) or to even enter the water at all, it is all pretty much enjoyable. the negatives of the job include cleaning bathrooms, scooping the leftovers of bodily functions out of the pool and of course, the hot hot hot hot HOT sun. i have been sunburned anew almost every single day that i have taught a swim lesson, and it's really starting to become a bother. why does my waterproof, sweatproof sunscreen not last me thru 2 hours of swim lessons? why does my shirt not protect my shoulders? why does my hat not keep the sun off my face? i do not understand, truly, i do not understand at all.

but there are perks. like the cute little girl in my swim lesson today (5 years old) who told me she wanted to be a paleontologist. and the little boy last week who told me that Jenny was his favorite swim instructor and that he wanted to be in her class, but who this week asked for me by name :). so, it all kinda makes up for the bad stuff

i'm trying to think of other things that i have to add to this positive post, but to be honest, i'm getting a little tired from my long day at work today and i want to go sit on the couch (and maybe even finish the not-so-positive post i started last week!) and relax. but i like this new positive approach to the blog. maybe a positive blog and positive writing will lead to a more positive outlook in general. wish me luck!

breaking things

here, take the glue. now get going.

here is everything that you'll need to fix me

there's glue and hugs and some chocolate ice cream

you gotta start now or she'll keep on falling

apart and all while the world is calling

hold her hand and make her smile

Ohhh, it's been awhile

since you've made her feel like this

ok now give her a kiss

breakin her heart oh it's not too easy

you gotta go slow or it sounds too cheesy

show her that you care but the feeling's not there

now take a big breath of air

you know you love her but you can't sort it out

all of that thinkin' makes your head spin about

give it a try and just see where it goes

don't shut her down when you don't even know

hold her hand and make her smile

Ohhh, it's been awhile

since you've made her feel like this

ok now give her a kiss

crunch.

things didn't go the way i had imagined they would. well, i guess i hadn't really imagined the part after the telling. but the telling i had totally figured out, the plan was to tell him whenever it was that it felt "right" and then just blurt it out with my eyes squeezed shut. that was all i had thought about. i hadn't considered what he might say back. i guess i had hopefully imagined that he would break into a huge smile and squeeze me tight and tell me that he wanted that too. i guess i had hoped for a "thank god" or a "oh my goodness" or something. at least a smile. what i got wasn't what i was prepared for.

i'm trying to not let myself think that it's a reflection of his feelings for me because i should know just as well as the next person that there are so many other factors that go into it, but it's hard to not feel upset by it.

when i said, "i think i want to try staying together next year," i was expecting a good feeling of relief to follow. but i got, "ok...i have to think about it."

ouch. crunch. there goes my heart.

i wish i hadn't said anything.

Update

Okee dokee, time to catch up for reals.

First off, I am officially going to the University of Washington next year. I'm excited, terrified, nervous, tired, happy, and confused every time I think about it. But, I will admit, the good feelings are tipping the scale more and more each day. I think most of my anxiety is about leaving home to go into this huge and new community. Ok, that sounds retarded cause obviously that's exactly what college is, but it's something about being in the cold and being far from home but close to Peg and my Aunt and family friends. It's all bittersweet. To me it feels bad to feel this torn feeling, but when i actually think about it, I guess I feel lucky to have two awesome things to be torn between.
well, there's plenty more to say about college and leaving, but I honestly don't feel like thinking about it right now.

what else is new..? I'm working at the pool now as a lifeguard and things have been pretty good so far, minus my total fail at filling out my schedule form. I'm working on almost every important day of spring. sweet. So, I'm trying really hard to make friends to cover my shift so that my life doesn't suck balls when I can't go to my spring choir concert, junior prom, senior prom, opening night of the play I'm working on/my boyfriend's birthday, and my brother's graduation. GOOD JOB ZOE.

too long!

wow! it has been MONTHS since i've written! too long, my friend, too long.

i guess it's a good thing though, since i usually write when i feel disconnected or blue, so i guess that means i've been doing pretty well lately! i still miss the writing though.

so much has been going on.
my boy, Andy, is just freakin amazing. it's so nice to finally have a guy i can depend on who makes me feel happy and smiley and who makes me laugh and who i can talk to and share things with. he's really incredible.
i got into college, WOOOOT! I got into most of my favorite schools, with only a few disappointments. but i have plenty of good options to choose from! college tours next week and hopefully something will have that "this is it" kind of feeling! wish me luck!

that's the very vague jist, i just wanted to get going on writing again since i miss it. and hopefully i'll get some of my photos up here soon too!

POUR-
pour out your heart and soul and don't think for a second about it. it's all about letting out what's eating you up inside. it's all about letting out the thoughts, the desires, the urges to capture something beyond the usual in life.

Bring in the New Year

2009, look what you’ve done to me? Until recently, you were about to end on a bad note, my friend.

2009, you have put me through so much. In your year, you have given me broken friendships, broken dreams, broken hearts and broken spirits. But guess what? I got mad healing powers, dawg. Even with all the shit and tears you’ve given me this year, I’ve pulled through with some good times too. Isn’t it good to know that the small good times still count amongst the bad ones? 2009, you’ve given me hell, but you’ve also given me smiles and laughter and hope and recovery and happiness. You’ve given me that, too.

Looking back on this year, the things that stick out the most to me are, I’ll admit, the bad ones.

Looking back on Last Minute, the things I remember are the hurt and the anger and the jealousy. I remember how my best friends turned on me and how they were too cowardly to be straightforward with it. I remember our summer of shows and how I felt unwanted at each one. I remember how my thoughts and ideas and feelings were pushed aside and how my opinions stopped mattering to the people who mattered to me the most. I remember how Ryan stopped asking what was wrong when he knew I was sad and how he stopped calling to hang out. I remember how they asked me not to play in a show. I remember how I left the warehouse that day in tears and started walking to my house, even though it was about two hours away on foot. I remember how for the first time in what seemed like forever, Ryan tried to comfort me, did he not realize he was the one ruining me? When I think about the band now, I don’t think about all the good stuff that used to be. Now I think about how all the good stuff is tainted by the bad memories. Now I think about all the times I was laughing and they weren’t. I think about how I can’t listen to those songs anymore. Things should be better now but their not. Ryan, I hate you for what you did to me and I miss who you used to be. I don’t know where we go from here.

Looking back on what I did to Eliza, I wish I could take it all back. None of it was worth it, none of it should have happened. I lost a best friend’s trust, trust in myself, and a lot of dignity. It was not worth it. That’s all there is to say.

Looking back on Max’s death, my heart is filled with anger and frustration and disbelief. I remember everything that happened this summer and how hurt and stressed and terrified your family was. I remember how Peg and I tried to talk to you and you gave us denial and slurred words. I don’t understand but I just wish you could have. I’m sorry that everything went the way it did Maxy boy, and I hope you can find forgiveness wherever you are now. We all miss you Max. Please send strength to your family, because you owe them that.


2009, you’ve been a doozie, but like I said, I’ve had the good times too.

I’ve broken away from my dependence on the band, I’ve taught myself guitar! I’ve made music my own, I’ve written songs that express my every emotion and I don’t need anyone in order to play them, just me, just the way I need it to be.

I’ve created an incredible bond with a group of incredible girls that I know have my back just as any teammate should, and just as I have theirs. This season of water polo is impossible to describe. I have shared so many smiles, such good laughs and so much love with that team and I can’t even begin to explain the adoration and respect I have for each of them. Only with that group of girls could it be possible for me to enjoy and look forward to morning practice. Only with that group of girls could I still be happy despite missing my final game for a stupid broken finger. They are amazing and the essence of happiness and joy in this world.

I’ve made an imprint on my school! Who would have thunk it too, I thought I was invisible. But no, people actually know who I am! Winning homecoming queen this year was an incredible feeling. Truly. It feels good to be liked. :) And at the end of a hard water polo season, the biggest reward was to be given MVP, thank you to my wopo girlies for supporting me.

I have amazing friends. Although we all have our ups and downs, I know they are good people who are there for me. I have strengthened so many old friendships and gained so many new ones and I am so happy and thankful for every one of them.

I’ve got me a boy :) And he is wonderful. And I am so happy.



So 2009, you have sucked and you have rocked but, all in all, I am very glad to see you go. Bring it on 2010, and prepare to be rocked.

December 23rd

December 23rd and the ice skating rink is packed. People are hurrying to learn how to glide gracefully on their new feet and only laughter is heard when someone falls. Not a single tear, not a single sob, just smiles. Although away from home, you see old friends and familiar faces. The spirit is fun, the environment is happy and the windows let in bright warm beams of light that convince you it’s not winter.
December 23rd walking around the city and the place is crowded. You see more faces you know, greeting each with a smile and an exuberant wave. The wide sidewalks are packed with people in long coats, scarves, gloves, and hats, each carrying numerous shopping bags in various sizes. A tall, thin woman with perfect posture manages to squeeze inconspicuously through the throng of people without much effort, her extravagant eye makeup giving her away as a Nutcracker ballerina. People of all ages press their noses to the glass of the Macy’s windows like children, just to see the sweetly sleeping puppies and kittens up for adoption inside. As the sun fades, group of shoppers overcome with the joyful spirit stop their uphill trek, drop their bags, and give in to the gospel music that has been pounding from inside their chests. Their bold and broad voices soar out into the brisk air and their faces ask not for coins, but for smiles.
December 23rd and everything is beautiful. With big hugs goodbye, it’s time to go home. A slow walk back to the ferry is the perfect way to soak up the last bits of city life before returning to a bed in suburbia. The lights on the buildings are strings of white against an ink black sky. Trees inside lobbies tower over check-in desks with glittery ornaments and oversize bows. Although the crowd has been left behind, the spirit still lingers, laughter rising up over the street lamps and tall windows. A lonely saxophonist closes his eyes as he blows out the notes of Silent Night with a gentle passion. The notes ring out flawlessly and the night is silent.

snapshots in fastforward

happiness seems like a sideways destination right now. i can't really see it as an incoming event unless i look for it. i have nothing to look forward to right now. all the things that make me happy in a moment, an hour, a day, they fade away once the time has passed.
i wonder if it's the confusion i have about liking this guy. knowing that i do, but wondering if i should. i think it's going somewhere, but i don't know if that's a good idea. once again, my trust issues are coming into play.
i also think that i'm just loosing the structure of my life. without water polo, and it breaks my heart to think that i won't play on that team again,everything has kind of fallen apart. it feels strangely intruding to have the free time now. nothing to fill it up with, but i'm still too busy to hang out with friends. how does that work?
i think i just need to get outside! go for a run! reconnect with the things i love: nature, photography, sunshine, laughter.
i'm falling into that slump of not knowing where i fit in again. not with the friends doing drugs, not with the friends partying everyday, not with the friend whose trust i betrayed, not with the friends who forced me out of the group i loved. who is left? i know who is left, but something is missing there, none of them have ever been my best friends and now is not the time to find a new person to care for, not when this stage of life is almost over.
maybe that's why i'm depending on and worrying about this boy so much, because he would be a friend too. but still...
"tomorrow," i tell myself, "tomorrow i will pick back up in my life, right where i left off."
maybe tomorrow i will, but most likely tomorrow i won't. i need to step it up if i want things to change though.

senior year is an interesting thing. everybody has come into themselves. i can easily see how each person in my class is going to fit into the world now. most of the awkward has faded away, most of the judgment has been left behind, i see them in the world, being real people. it's odd,it's like seeing your baby cousins grow up. you didn't notice the time passing until all of a sudden the baby is a toddler and the toddler is a little girl and the little girl is a vibrant and humorous light in your life.
but with your classmates it's still a little different. you realize suddenly that, all along, you've used them to gauge things in your life. "oh, she's the type of girl to hang out with so-and-so" or "they're the nerdy bunch" or "she's one of the hotties of our grade." but now, MOST of the girls in my class are hotties. they are gorgeous young women and it makes me smile to realize how much we have all transformed. and the boys too. when did they grow? when did they become the "senior boys" that are notoriously lusted after by the underclassmen?? it happened without anyone noticing. it's all pretty marvelous really.

so, things are at a bit of a standstill. stuck in abyss of sludgy hopes for progress and the realization that the fastforward button has just been switched back to plat. it's time to catch up, it's time to buckle down and make something happen. it's time to stop watching, waiting and wondering and start doing.

venting

I don’t know where the days have gone...where the time has gone. It just all seems so endless. Endlessly thumping along. I want a break, a real break. This week has just been more of the same, only less…emotional. I would almost rather have all the sadness and pain though, cause it’s still better than nothing.
I’m being consumed by the expectations of my life.
Go to school
Do your work
Get enough sleep
Exercise
Do your work from last week
Go to class at COM
Don’t forget to call this person
Check in with that person

This is a “break,” except that it’s not. Psh. I am tired but restless. I am bored but unwilling to do anything.
I went to the beach today, this cool little secluded beach tucked away in the headlands. It was beautiful. It was such a release! And the weather was perfect. Sunny but cool and breezy. It was amazing. It was so refreshing to be out of the house and into the sun and dipping my feet in the water. I think it’s the first I’ve been out in days. And all of this wonderful sunny happiness only lasted a few hours. I need a full day of it. I need a full week of it. I need to be out and about, in the trees, in the air, in the sun. maybe I’ll go for some hikes this next week. If only I can fit it into my schedule.
I need to catch up on so much, on everything it seems. I wish some of it would work itself out on it’s own.